Abnormal Like Me

Posted on by
Adam’s always been a little shy and quiet. The kid just screams ‘repressed gay boy’! Anyway, this is about Adam wanting the one that he can’t have. So, instead of trying to get closer to him, he separates himself. Much angst will obviously follow.

Category: , , ,

Characters: ,

Pairing:

Rating:

Status:

Length: words

Awards: , ,

Rating: R, because it’s slash. Also, it might have violence later on, and a bit of swearing. Depends what I do with it!

Dedication: To Star, because she’s my Star. Awww… how sweet is that? I’d also like to apologize to her that I’m writing yet another fic on the side of the Queertet series. But my muse decided to drop this on my head! Don’t worry Star, you know how the Queertet rules my mind. Oh yes, and think you for this heading once again.

Also, dedication to Stepherz and Joyful!

Disclaimer: Disney owns the Ducks. You know, I might not even return them when I’m finished… I mean, Disney’s not doing anything with them! Any characters not in the Ducks movies, though, are mine.

Notes: Argh, I know, I shouldn’t have taken yet another story under my wing… but I really like this one, and it’s going to be short-ish. Anyway, more stories are better than no stories. Chapters should be from Adam’s POV, if things change I’ll state it. First chapter starts in the last, oh, 3 seconds of the JV-Varsity game.

Archived: 28 Oct 2006

[nextpage title=”Chapter One: Bittersweet Victory”]

Chapter One: Bittersweet Victory

Goldberg looks around scared for a second, and then after the insistent screaming of almost every single person in attendance, shoots the puck in right before the buzzer.

We rush together. We’ve won. We’ve defeated Varsity.

I run at Charlie, making sure that he’s the first person that I embrace. The rest of the team collides with us, and we gather ourselves in a giant group hug. Even Orion joins in.

I hug Julie, then Ken, then Guy. The Bash Brothers catch me in the middle of one of their chest butts, but quickly back off when I yell about my wrist.

It takes me a few minutes, and I realize that Charlie is missing. I look around for him.

He’s engaged in deep lip-lock with a girl.

My heart rips in half.

Fulton grabs me in a headlock and ruffles my hair. I try to swallow the lump in my throat and laugh along with him and Portman.

Wow, what a bittersweet victory.

I bite back the tears that are threatening to spill out. How could I be so stupid? He’s a great guy. Perfect, actually. Ok, so he’s a little hotheaded at times, and he’s really stubborn… but he’s handsome and talented and smart and funny and…

Straight.

Yeah, that’s right. What else could he be? He’s too perfect to be… abnormal like me. I’ve heard Julie complain before, “All the good guys are gay”, but I’m going to have to argue. All the good guys are straight, and fall for girls that look like something between a rat and a snake.

Who is the girl, anyway? She looks familiar, but I can’t place her. I know I’ve seen her before, but not with Charlie; I would have probably had a seizure if I had.

Charlie skates back towards us, cheering and hugging everyone. His girl smiles at him for a moment, and then leaves.

Charlie throws his arms around my neck.

“You did it, Banksie… see, you are a real Duck! Don’t ever say you aren’t again!” He yells in my ear.

I try to laugh and hug him back, but I know it’s a really weak attempt. He doesn’t seem to notice, and moves on to hugging Russ.

I skate off of the ice numbly. I’m glad that I can change in peace once in the locker room. As I’m leaving I hear everyone else coming in. They probably don’t even notice that I’m gone.

Once in my dorm room, I struggle to make the tears come out. I haven’t cried in weeks, but god have I wanted to. It always feels better to get out a good cry.

I’ve never felt so alone.

Why, though? He hasn’t rejected me. If anything, I should have expected this. I’ve been bracing myself for it for the past two years.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long. I’ve known him for four years, and been in love with him for half of the time. I can’t pin down when I fell for him to an exact moment, but I know that it slowly just happened. And I was deluded enough to believe that he felt the same.

Through the years there have just been little things that have made me think that. Like the way that he gave up his spot for me when my wrist was healed during the Goodwill Games. Or that time in the first couple weeks of school when my room was being repainted and I had to stay in his. He accidentally came in while I was changing, and the electricity that filled the room… man.

Even when we fought a few weeks ago during the unofficial JV-Varsity match. He sounded like he was upset because he loved me.

None of that is true, of course.

Now I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m not good at anything, just hockey. So I gave up my spot on Varsity to be with a guy that doesn’t even like me?

No, Adam, that’s not right. You gave up your spot for the Ducks, not just Charlie.

To hell with that! It was all for Charlie! Everything is for Charlie. He’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I wonder if I can talk the coaches into letting me back on Varsity. Because I can’t bear to look at Charlie anymore than I have to. Not now that I know that nothing is going to happen with him. My infatuation has to stop, and it’s not going to if I keep hanging around him.

My roommate comes in, a triumphant grin on his face. “Good job, Banksie! You were awesome!”

“Thanks Lucas.” I can’t really get used to him calling me Banksie. He only started after hearing the Ducks do it. Before, I used to be Adam. I prefer that instead of Banks, Banksie, Cake-eater, and any other nickname they come up with to use on me. I’m a real person for god’s sake.

Lucas is my roommate. He’s not on any sports teams; he’s not outrageously smart, or even outrageously rich. He’s just an average guy. That’s what I like so much about him. He doesn’t try to be anything he’s not, and he just makes me feel at ease.

“That was a great save you pulled, too—what luck, jumping in front of the goal like that!”

I shrug. I just wanted to win.

“Listen, your friends told me to tell you to go meet them in the cafeteria. They want to celebrate your victory, Duck-style.” The grin looks like it’s going to split his face. “And that’s a direct quote from that Averman guy.”

I shake my head, and lay down on my bed. “I’m not really feeling too good.”

“Oh, what’s up?” His smile falters a bit.

“Nothing, I’m just feeling a little sick.”

“Well, that sucks, you just winning a big game and all. Hey, you wouldn’t mind if I left, would you? Marco said that he was going to set me up with this chick Lily, maybe you know her… she’s one of the JV cheerleaders. Anyway, she’s really hot, and I…”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Typical straight freshman male. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll just be here.”

“Ok, that’s cool.” He starts for the door again. “If I see the Ducks I’ll tell them you’re sick.”

I nod, and he closes the door behind him.

The party will be raging on for hours. But I don’t feel like attending at all. I’m just going to curl up here and die. It’s better that way. Because then I won’t have to watch Charlie break my heart some more. It’s unbelievable how much pain I’m going through because of him, and he doesn’t even know it.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Two: In the Middle Again”]

Chapter Two: In the Middle Again

Only Varsity Coach Wilson would have practice this early. 6 am is ridiculous. Of course, they did just lose to the JV team last night. But leave it to Coach Orion to make the winning team practice at 9.

I walk into the locker room after talking to Coach Wilson. He said that he would have to talk to Coach Orion about it, but how would I feel about being an alternate for the time being? You know, be benched on Varsity, starting center on JV?

I didn’t know they could do that. But it’s what I’m doing now.

Charlie barges into the locker room. He always has a confident aura around him, giving you the idea that he’s hot stuff, and he knows it.

“Hey Banksie!” He says, giving me his trademark grin.

No, no… why does he have to be so damn cute?!

“Hi Charlie.” I croak out.

“You feeling better? Sorry you couldn’t come to the party last night. It was great!” He sets his stuff over near his locker, and starts to take off his pants.

This is why I always try to avoid him in the locker room. It would not be good for me to watch him get undressed. I mean, we don’t get naked, but still. The principle is the same.

“Where’s everyone else?” Yes, I’m aware that my voice has just gone up about three octaves. I try to clear my throat and sound normal.

“Oh, they’re coming. I was just up a little early, so I decided to be on time for once.”

I nod. It figures.

“Why are you here so early?” Great. Now he’s standing there in only a t-shirt and his boxers. I’m sure my face is the color of a tomato.

“I… needed to talk to Coach Wilson.” I stutter.

What’s Charlie going to think about me being [kind of] on Varsity? He hated me last time I was with the Warriors, and it wasn’t even by my own choice then. I try to remind myself that I went to talk to Coach Wilson because of Charlie, and that it doesn’t really matter what he’ll think.

But what if I lose my friends again? What if the Ducks hate me again? What if…

Adam, shut up. You knew the answer to all of these questions before you even woke up this morning and came to the rink. If it were that big of a deal to you, would you have even come to talk to the Coach?

The Ducks are one big clique. Everyone knows that. But in our big clique, we branch off into small pairs. Seeing that there are thirteen of us, someone’s the odd man out. That someone is me.

Russ and Charlie, Ken and Julie, Connie and Guy (yes, even though they broke up a month ago, they still act attached to the hip), Dwayne and Luis, Fulton and Portman, Averman and Goldberg.

I had someone before… good old Jesse. His mom has always been really sick, and it got especially bad this last summer. Jesse decided that he was going to decline the scholarship from Eden Hall to live at home with her. I can’t say I don’t respect his decision; I love Mrs. Hall like my own mother. But I sure do miss him.

“Why did you need to talk to—”

The rush of Ducks that enter the locker room cut off Charlie. I swear, sometimes the constant chattering that they make really does sound like quacking.

“Hey, Banksie!”

“What’s up, Adam?”

“Too bad you weren’t there last night, Cake-eater!”

I’m slapped on the back and punched on the arm about nine times. Finally, everyone settles into changing. Seeing as how I’m already dressed, I start to leave the locker room.

Charlie catches me by the arm, and pulls me aside. He has a troubled expression on his face. I get the strangest feeling that I’ve had a dream like this before. Any minute now he’s going to ask me where I’ve been all his life… I’ll respond with ‘right here, waiting for you.’ Then, he’ll lean down and give me the greatest kiss I’ll ever get, right here in front of the Ducks.

He opens his mouth to speak, and I wait eagerly.

“Why did you need to talk to Coach Wilson?”

I silently kick myself in the head. Adam, you’re an idiot.

“I…”

“Come on you guys, let’s not be late… we want to keep Orion in a good mood.” Connie comes by and pulls me away from Charlie.

“Yeah, I for one do not feel like skating 20 laps today.” Kenny agrees, following us.

Charlie looks a little perturbed, but he follows us anyway.

Orion is already waiting for us on the ice. Much to Kenny’s dismay, he orders that we skate 20 laps, and then get ready for scrimmage.

“Banks come here.” He thunders. Why does he have to yell so early in the morning? I’m right here…

I skate over to him as my teammates start to do their laps. Charlie gives me a suspicious look. I quickly turn away.

“I just had a little chat with Coach Wilson.” Orion starts. “Do you want to tell me what this is all about?”

Good thing I had a speech prepared for Wilson. Now I can use it on Orion, too. “Yeah. I just… I love being with the Ducks and all, they’re a second family to me. But hockey is the most important thing in my life, and I want to be able to get the right challenges and training so that I can… go all the way.”

I almost choke saying the last part. I’m starting to sound like an echo of Jack Reilly. And here I am, just spending the past four years trying to convince myself that I was never a true Hawk.

Coach Orion nods. He looks satisfied with my answer.

“You’re ambitious. That’s a good thing. Yeah, I think our arrangement will work out just fine, then.” He claps his hand on my back. “You’re a fine hockey player, Adam, and a good kid. Now get to those laps! Don’t do all of them, just 15.”

I try to grin. “Thanks Coach.”

We enter the locker room, tired after a long practice. I’m at the back of the line, as usual, and I ram into Luis as everyone stops.

“What is it?”

“Hey, watch those hands!”

“Guys, what’s going on?”

“Why’d you stop?”

I’m lucky I’m tall. I peer over everyone else’s head. All I can see is a lot of white stuff. We slowly enter the locker room, and I see what the white stuff is.

Feathers.

They’re all over our stuff. Why did we leave our lockers open? The wall is written on in shaving cream again. It reads ‘Ducks Are Plucked.’

“What is this?” Averman asks as he touches his sweatshirt. “Did they glue it to our stuff?”

“It looks like it…” Fulton answers. “Maybe they used… spray glue?”

“Is there even such a thing?” Julie sounds really pissed off. Probably because of her budding romance with Scooter, the Varsity goalie. I’ll have to assure her later that he had nothing to do with this. We were always the outsiders on Varsity, and I got to know him pretty well.

I walk to my locker, and find that it is probably the worst of all. Feathers are all over my clothes, shoes, and extra hockey stuff… there’s a note taped to the back of the locker. I pluck it off the sticky surface and unfold it.

We heard about your little arrangement, Banksie. Don’t think we’re going to let you off half as easy as we did before. You’re always going to be a Duck, and we’re not going to forget it.

Love,
Captain Riley and the Eden Hall Varsity WARRIORS

I quickly crumple it up and shove it into my bag as Charlie starts to speak.

“I hope they don’t think that this is over with. We beat them at hockey; we’ll beat them at this. Get brainstorming, Ducks… we’re having a meeting at the pond at 2.”

He finishes switching his ice skates with roller blades, and leaves the locker room, still dressed in his practice gear.

The conversation starts back up again, but I stay silent. Great. So I’m going to be in the middle of yet another prank war. The Varsity is going to be out to get me, and once the Ducks find out that I’m on Varsity, so will they. It’s just like before—I wasn’t even doing the pranking, but I was still always the one to get the blame! How stupid are the Ducks? Of course Varsity didn’t let me know about the pranks ahead of time, they knew I’d rat them out to the Ducks.

I sigh, and dig my roller blades out of my feather-infested bag. I grab my stuff and shove it together. I can deal with getting the feathers off later. I put on my skates, and leave.

Charlie’s right. I do have to get brainstorming. I have to figure out how to get myself out the mess that I so easily made for myself.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Three: Operation Warrior Omelet”]

Chapter Three: Operation Warrior Omelet

“Shhh!” Connie scolds Averman, cutting him off mid-joke. “Do you want to get us caught?”

He shakes his head guiltily.

It doesn’t really matter—we’re going to be caught anyway. Varsity was in detention when they put the Ducks’ clothes in the shower (Scooter told the Dean I wasn’t involved, so I wasn’t penalized) and the Ducks were in detention when they froze Varsity’s clothes. Plus, Varsity had been in detention again after the feather incident. Just because we’re jocks doesn’t mean that the administrators won’t be strict with us, no matter what the other students think. So I have to ask, why do the Ducks think we’re not going to get caught?

“That’s called being counter-productive!” Goldberg says loudly as Russ cracks an egg over his head.

“Can you not shut up?” Connie hisses again.

“Incoming…” Ken calls from Portman’s shoulders. A glob of shaving cream falls to the floor in front of them. The wall now reads “Warr ors”

It had been Dwayne’s idea, actually. He had suggested we get live ducks and set them free in the locker room, and wouldn’t it be funny if they laid eggs?

Yeah, he got a lot of weird looks for that one.

We finally convinced him that it would be a little hard to find live ducks in October in Minnesota. But Charlie had pushed the egg idea a little…

So here we are, armed with a dozen cartons of eggs in the Varsity locker room. We’re supposed to be splattering their clothes and shoes with about 8 eggs per player. Kenny and Portman are taking care of the shaving cream message that we do every time. It’s kind of funny this time… it’s going to say, “Warriors are scrambled.”

Averman has christened our mission “Operation Warrior Omelet.” Russ wanted to try to actually fry some eggs to put into the lockers, but we quickly suppressed that idea.

This is my first prank in the war of the hockey teams. Julie lovingly dubbed me a ‘prank virgin.’ I think I want to keep ‘saving myself’, because I’m really not having too much fun.

I sigh. I haven’t helped at all so far, just kind of stood there stupidly. I guess I should get to work. I look at the locker right in front of me. Just my luck. I can tell by the name on the letter jacket that it’s Scooter’s.

“Hey, are we doing Scooter’s?” I ask hesitantly.

“He’s on Varsity…” Guy says, but I see him glance at Julie.

She shrugs. “Guys’ right. He is on Varsity.”

Julie has been ignoring Scooter since the feather incident, despite his repeated attempts to talk to her.

I’m still hesitant. Scooter was the only one to stick up for me to Varsity when it came to the Ducks. I’m going to return the favor.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t take part in the pranks. I would know.” I tell her.

The Ducks all look at each other doubtfully.

“Hey, Banksie… don’t forget what team you’re on.” Fulton says uncomfortably. “You’re a Duck. Ducks fly together.”

I could tell him that he’s full of crap, and that he’s repeating a senseless motto fed to us in grade school. I could tell him that I’m not a Duck, and that he has no clue of what I am. I could tell him that technically, I am also on Varsity. But I don’t.

Instead I crack an egg, and drop the yolk into Scooter’s locker.

“Sorry.” I murmur to the absent goalie.

45 minutes and a carton of eggs later, I’m sitting in my dorm room trying to concentrate on my music homework.

“Write a 2 page essay on the classical style of music, popular in the 18th century. Standard 5 paragraphs, please.”

Yuck.

Lucky for me, there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in.” I call. It’s probably Marco, looking for Lucas. He’s not here, he’s getting extra help with his homework. I turn around, preparing to tell this to Marco.

Charlie and Russ step into the room.

“Hey Banksie! Whatcha doin’?” Russ peers over my shoulder. “Ugh! Forget that, it’s not due until Wednesday.”

“That’s only 2 days away, and I want to get it done now, since I’m not doing anything else.” I argue.

“But you are doing something! You’re watching Clerks with us!” Charlie snaps shut the book in front of me, and turns around my chair.

“You guys…” I roll my eyes. This isn’t the first time they’ve done this. They bring over a movie and we proceed to giggle like girls, on complete caffeine-highs.

All it succeeds in doing is make me fall more in love with Charlie.

Halfway through the movie, Charlie gets up from his spot next to me on the bed.

“It’s already 7?! I promised Linda I’d meet her 15 minutes ago. Sorry guys, we’ll have to finish watching later.”

I try to contain my disappointment as he rushes from the room. Stupid f-ing Linda. I don’t meant to grumble that last bit out loud, but I do. Russ doesn’t seem to notice, and keeps his concentration on the movie.

Less than five minutes after Charlie is gone, there’s another knock on the door.

“Come in.” I call again, this time sounding somewhat down and out.

Much to my surprise, Coach Orion steps into the room.

“Oh good Banks, you’re here. I was hoping I didn’t have to pull you out of class tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know, you’re going to be playing Varsity tomorrow. Cole’s still out because of Portman, and the second string, Hutchinson, has the flu. You’re free, right?”

My eyes widen with surprise, and I quickly turn to look at Russ’ reaction. He looks both shocked and curious.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m free…” I stutter.

“Ok, good. Be there to suit up an hour before the game. Glad we can depend on you, Banks.” Coach grins at me, and then leaves the room again.

The silence between Russ and I is heavily awkward. Very unusual for Russ Tyler.

“Varsity, Banks?” He finally asks.

I slowly nod.

“How come?”

I shrug. “Hockey’s important to me. I want to be able to go all the way. And being a starter on Varsity in my freshman year will definitely get me there.”

“Is that you talking, or your dad?”

My head snaps up and I suddenly become defensive. “Hey, shut the hell up. You have no idea about anything with my dad.”

“Ok, Adam.” Russ backs off. “But seriously, what’s up? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve changed.”

“How have I changed?”

“Well, you seem more depressed lately. I don’t have to guess to know that it has to do with the Ducks. Anything you want to share?”

I shrug.

“Well, I’m not going to push, but you should know that I’m here if you need to, you know… talk. I may act like an idiot, but really deep down I’m a nice guy.”

I’m not sure whether to take Russ seriously or not. I decide to leave it how it is, and simply nod.

“I should probably get going.” Russ gets up, and shuts off the TV. After taking the tape out of the VCR, he turns to me again.

“Just remember what I said.” He grins at me, and leaves my room.

I sigh, and drag myself back to my desk. I slowly open my textbook again, and try to concentrate on writing my essay. But my mind keeps wandering. My thoughts are centered on three main topics right now: Charlie, Varsity, and the conversation I just had with Russ.

I suppose it wouldn’t be too bad to talk to Russ. He is nice, and he’d probably even understand if I told him about Charlie. However, I can’t right now. I’m not ready to trust anyone with this.

[nextpage title=”Chapter Four: Put On Your Game Face”]

Chapter Four: Put On Your Game Face

I slowly enter the locker room. I have just narrowly escaped being caught by Guy and Averman. I hid around the corner when I saw them coming. There’s no way I’m going to be caught playing Varsity.

Am I the world’s biggest hypocrite? I ask the coaches to put me on the team, and then try to hide it from everyone else.

I should have told the Ducks. But I didn’t. Now they’re going to learn the hard way. Of course, they’ll be at the game. Maybe not all of them, but at least a few. Probably Ken, who has been at all of our other games; Dwayne, who has been hanging around Ken since Luis got a girlfriend; and Charlie, who has a new found interest in all hockey (even Warrior hockey) since Hans’ death.

I tried to convince Charlie not to come. I even tried to get him to do something with Linda instead. He suggested that he just bring her to the hockey game. Yeah, that’s a good idea.

The talk in the locker room stops as the Varsity players notice my presence.

“Look who it is…” Riley sneers.

Everyone in the room has an identical scowl on their faces. Even Scooter looks unhappy. I guess they haven’t forgotten the eggs. Of course, that was just yesterday.

I decide that the best course of action is to just ignore them and get ready for the game.

Riley saunters over and pushes me into a locker.

“You and your little Duck friends ruined a very expensive pair of shoes.” He snarls, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt.

“Save it.” I say, pushing him off.

“Oh no, no, no…” He grabs me again, his face inches from mine.

Coach Wilson, who chooses this moment to walk into the locker room, cuts him off.

“Riley, knock it off. Suit up, Banks.” He passes through us and opens the door leading to the ice.

That’s just like him. He knows that the Varsity idiots do to the Ducks, but if anything, he encourages them. He only punishes the team if pressured by the Dean and occasionally the Alumni Board. His main concern isn’t even hockey—it’s winning, and being State champs again.

Riley slowly backs off. “Only because we have a game to win.”

I sigh, and get ready to play.

We’re up, 12-3 with 2 minutes left in the game. Coach brings me onto the bench and pats my shoulder.

“Nice hat-trick.” He grins, referring to the three consecutive goals I just made. “I think Coach Orion was pleased, too.”

I glance around the stands and see the JV coach sitting with the Dean. He looks very ‘into’ the game. I let my gaze wander. I know I won’t be playing anymore, so I can afford to have my mind on other things. I spot a few of the Ducks sitting together. Ken yells as Adkins, the right wing, makes a goal. He and Dwayne stand up to cheer. Charlie and Russ are both sitting, staring at me. Russ looks solemn and Charlie looks really pissed off. As expected.

The buzzer goes off. We’ve won the game, of course. The Varsity team doesn’t cheer and rush together like the Ducks always do, but merely skate off the ice as fast as possible. They must be so used to winning that they’re completely void of the pride you get from it.

I’m one of the last to get out of the locker room. Riley tries to push me around a little, but Scooter stops him. As soon as everyone is gone, I think him, and explain how neither Julie nor I were involved in the egg incident. A white lie, but for the best. He in turn thanks me, and hesitantly admits how bad he has it for the Cat. I promise that I’ll talk to her.

I leave the rink to find Russ and Charlie waiting for me.

“Banks, what the hell is that?” Charlie explodes while I’m still two feet away from them. “You’re playing Varsity, and you don’t even tell me? I’m supposed to be your captain and your friend!”

“Shut up Charlie. Don’t start playing the Captain card.” I’m tired, and I don’t want to argue. But I know I sound more standoffish than intended.

“Fine. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m your friend.”

“You’re my friend, but you haven’t given me the time of day since we got to Eden Hall? You don’t even know anything that’s going on with me, Charlie. Not even me, either. You’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself, or hanging around with your girlfriend to pay attention to any of your friends.” I snap back.

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth, but I slowly start to feel better because it’s actually true. Charlie and Linda have been dating for three days and we’ve less of him than we do of snow in the middle of July. All the Ducks are complaining… now that he has his C, he doesn’t need us anymore.

Charlie’s beautiful face contorts with anger. “I don’t pay attention to you? I—no, you know what? Forget it. I give up on you. You’re a hopeless cause. Nothing but a rich, preppy, cake-eating Momma’s boy. I’ll see you around.”

His words have definitely hit their mark. Why is it that no matter how many times I’ve been called all of those things, they only hurt when they come from Charlie? I can’t feel my body as he storms off. Russ is left speechless.

“Wow.” He finally stutters.

I nod, tears already starting to spill out.

Russ has never seen me cry before. He looks surprised, and moves to comfort me. I pull away, hastily drying my eyes. I hate crying. I hate appearing weak. It only gives them more of a reason to judge me.

“Banksie, I think it’s time that we had a talk.”

“I’m fine.” I say hoarsely. “I don’t need to talk.”

“No, you do. I know I’m no Jesse, but you have to be able to talk to your other friends.”

I sigh with resignation. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s go.”

We find ourselves in his dorm. Charlie, his roommate, is thankfully not around. Probably out with Linda.

Russ sits on his bed and motions for me to do the same. I cautiously sit on the floor across from him.

“So start talking.” He commands.

I shrug loftily. He actually thinks I’m going to give it up that easily? “You brought me here. You talk.”

He sighs. “Fine. We can do this the hard way.”

Pause.

“I know your secret.” He says.

I try to stop my head from snapping up with lightning speed. Calm yourself, Adam. “What secret?”

“Banksie. We all know, Charlie talks about it the most.”

“Charlie? Knows my secret?” It’s hard to hide the panic in my voice.

“So there is a secret.” Russ says smugly.

“I… I… yeah.” I give up. Ok, so he knows that I have a secret. And he says that everyone else knows, too. But… he can’t be referring to my feelings for Charlie. He can’t.

“It’s hard to hide when you’re in love with someone, eh?” Russ smiles at me knowingly.

WHAT?! HE CANNOT POSSIBLY KNOW!

“Huh? In love? Who am I in love with?” It sounds more like one long squeak than a sentence. Good job, Banks. If you weren’t being obvious before, you sure are now.

“Well Linda, of course.”

Shit bastard mother of ass hell damn piss bitch fuck.