Breeze (The Mighty Queertet: Story 3)
Chapter 27: Wedded Warzone
Ok, so she may be my best friend—she might even be my “wife” at the moment—but there’s only so much insanity I can take. I’ve put up with her for two weeks. She’s invited herself over to my house on regular occasions, she has taken to calling my mother “Mum”, and has now started referring to Bombay as “Charlie” because he looks like Charlie Sheen. It gets very confusing when we’re all in the same room.
All this I can deal with, but she’s “bonding” with our “baby”. She chatters to Casey (she insists I call it Casey, not “the egg”, not even “the baby”, it must be Casey) constantly and she’s driving me up the wall. She’s even painted a face on it. And hair. And clothing.
She gives me a wide-eyed look, and I know she’s got no clue what I’m annoyed about.
“Please be quiet,” I say in the most patient tone I can muster. “I’ve just got one more paragraph to write and then we’re done with this project.”
Her lip trembles. “You’re divorcing me?”
No! Not a Taz moment. Please.
“Who’s getting divorced?” Goldberg momentarily forgets he hates me to listen in on the conversation.
“Charlie’s leaving me!” Taz wails pitifully at the top of her lungs. “He wants a divorce!”
Julie stands up. “Now that’s a marvelous idea! Goldie, you’re dumped!”
Uh-oh. Everyone has heard the girls.
Goldberg glares at Julie. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in weeks! As if I want to be married to you!”
“Urgh! You’re so annoying!” Julie snaps at him.
“You think that’s bad?” Vicky Starling comments from across the hall. “I’m allergic to my husband!” She sneezes into a hanky for effect.
Linda stands up. “Well I’ve got seven children with someone I hate!”
Guy looks mildly affronted. “Yeah, well I hate you too! I wanted to be paired with Julie!”
Taz and I exchange a glance, even she’s thinking this Taz moment has gone too far, although the mushy look on Julie’s face is highly entertaining.
All of a sudden an egg comes whizzing through the air and splats against the wall behind Taz.
Whoever just threw that, you’re a moron. Never, ever make Taz a target.
“What the hell did I do to deserve that?” She demands, jumping on the desk and grabbing Goldberg and Julie’s ‘baby’. She hurls it back in the direction of the egg-thrower.
“Hey! You couldn’t throw your own kid?” Goldberg asks. “We lose five points every time we smash one of them!”
“Back off!” she snaps. “I’m not throwing Casey!”
“Don’t take it personally,” I say to Julie. “She smashed Casey seven times before my Mom told her to boil the egg before taking it anywhere.”
“I do not boil my young!” she yells.
Two more eggs fly in her direction, she ducks and they hit me instead.
“Taryn Anne McDonald-Conway!” I yell at her. “You are a nightmare!”
She promptly falls off the table in a fit of giggles.
Eggs are flying everywhere and everyone is yelling at their “spouse”.
The teacher who’s presiding over Study Hall has run off to get the Dean. This is the signal for all-out war.
I distinctly hear Adam yell, “You’re spoiling our kids! Harry, Hermione and Ron do not need nannies! You’re a housewife, you deal with them!”
Connie quickly hurls back, “Oh yeah, I’m not allowed a career! You’re ruining my life!”
I look around at the pandemonium, only Fulton and Maya are not hurling abuse at each other.
I’ve got no idea what Portman and Luis are saying to each other, but it won’t be pretty.
Goldberg makes a grab for our egg, but Taz jumps back on the table, holding the egg aloft. “Don’t worry Casey!” She tells the egg. “I’ll protect you!”
She promptly trips over our folder and drops the egg.
She leaps into my arms and bursts into tears. I nearly drop her when I realize those tears are real. I guess the tension in the room has got to her.
“Damn it, Portman! Leave me alone! I want a divorce!”
“Newsflash, Mendoza: Gay marriage isn’t even legal yet, so there’s nothing keeping you here!”
“I’m gone! I—”
Whatever Luis has to say is cut off my an egg hitting him in the chest. I see Guy holding the other six of his and Linda’s demon-spawn, taking careful aim.
“EVERYONE BE QUIET!”
Oh, hell. It’s the Dean.
We watch in horror as an egg hits him on the head.
We’re in deep trouble.
Just one question, do they really trust us to be put in the same room for detention?
Mrs. Bean passes Goldberg and me. She picks up the paper on our desk, and grabs our two “children”. She turns the eggs over in her hands, checking for cracks and other imperfections.
I give her a winning smile.
After detention yesterday, we six couples made a quick stop at a grocery store to buy a few dozen eggs. We made sure everyone had enough children. Taz wailed on and on about not having “the real Casey”, but according to Charlie, she smashed on day one.
The bell rings shortly, and Guy catches my arm as we leave the room.
“I’m glad that’s over,” he says as we go onto our next class.
“Oh, I thought you’d want to have seven children with Linda Simon!” I giggle.
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, in a world where you spend the rest of your life with Greg Goldberg, I’d love to.”
I giggle and give him a quick kiss as we stand outside the door to my math class. “I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.” He grins, and quickly sprints off. His next class, English, is on the other side of the school. But he insists on walking me to my classes.
Much to my dismay, I see the Connie has been waiting behind him to get in the room. I try not to meet her eyes as we sit down next to each other.
The only people still happy about their room assignments are Maya and Taz and Portman and Fulton. Connie and I haven’t had a real conversation in the two weeks since Guy and I came back, I’m positive that Charlie and Adam aren’t speaking, and Guy told me that he and Luis have come very close to beating each other to a bloody pulp.
Class passes slowly. Math is one of my strong points, although I can’t say the same for Connie. It pains me a little to see her struggling through our assignment that we get at the end of class. Usually I’d help her, but we haven’t been especially close as of late.
The period ends, and I follow Connie as we both head for study hall, our last class of the day.
“Hey.” I catch up with her.
I don’t know exactly what I’m doing. Maybe I feel bad that we’ve been pretty much best friends for two years, and we’re losing that because of a guy. Or really, a Guy.
“Hi,” she answers shortly.
“Uh, what’s up?”
Hey, it may be one word but at least it’s two syllables.
“Oh. Hey, did you get that math junk we were just doing? I hate algebra. I swear, it’s useless, we shouldn’t be required to take it.” Stop babbling, Gaffney.
“Look. Julie. You don’t have to go out of your way for me. In fact, I think it might be better if we didn’t talk anymore. There are only about six weeks left in the school year, we can deal with rooming with each other for that long. But we don’t have to be friends.”
Connie sits in her seat as we reach our classroom, leaving me speechless by the door. I reluctantly sit down at my desk. Guy happens to sit next to Connie, who sits in front of me. It’s obvious that these seating arrangements were made before spring break.
Guy gives me a grin that would normally make me melt. Now I just glare back. He gives me a surprised look, and opens his mouth to say something. I ignore him and pull out some homework to do in the forty-five minutes of free time.
Ten minutes later, a small piece of paper hits my desk. I look up to see Guy watching me. I sigh, and pull open the note to scan it. He wants to know why I’m pissed. Understandable, I guess.
We’re only passing notes because after yesterday’s egg incident, our teacher is a little reluctant to let us talk.
For a moment I’m tempted to write back and let him know that I’m pissed because he made my best friend hate me. But if I’ve learned anything from spending five days with two sparring couples, it’s that you can’t blame your relationship problems on anyone but yourself.
I quickly scribble back that it’s nothing, just had a little tiff with Connie.
After reading my reply, Guy gives me a sympathetic smile. He probably gets why I glared at him, too.
Maya says we’re a perfect couple. I don’t think so at all. He and Connie were a perfect couple. I mean, come on… childhood sweethearts, went through so much stuff together…
Sometimes I feel like it’s not fair that I got in between them. They could have gotten back together, and I stopped that. I like Guy a lot… but…
But life would have been simpler if I was single, Guy and Connie were back together, and Connie and I were friends again.