Length: <1k words
Notes: To anyone who knows anything about my life: This is not me backing down on my decision, this is not about me. This is just something I wanted to write. It’s not about my life. So don’t panic. Title is a line from “You Could Be Mine” by Guns n’ Roses, and I’ve quoted it below.
I’m a cold heart breaker, fit to burn and I’ll rip your heart in two
Have you ever had a really good relationship? The kind when you see your beloved every day. You say goodbye after school, walk home and then go straight to the phone and call him. The kind when you quote a movie and he quotes the next line to you. The kind when he phones you at midnight and that’s perfectly alright because you wanted to call him but didn’t because you thought it was too late. And also, dealing with your mother screaming “Constance Jane Moreau get off that phone and get into bed right now!” is easy as pie, because you’ve just had a great conversation. Well, obviously your mother wouldn’t call you Constance Jane Moreau, but you get the point. The kind where he gives you gifts just because he’s happy to see you.
Have you ever had a really good relationship go bad? The kind when the second you walk through the door from school he’s on the phone? The kind where he quotes a movie and looks expectantly at you with that “we’re in this together, you and me, nobody will get it but us” smug look on his face. The kind when he phones in the middle of the night every damned night and if that wasn’t bad enough, your mother bawls you out about it. The kind where he gives you gifts that plainly say “please still love me” and you feel ill at the thought of kissing him when you thank him.
And there’s no reason for it. One day it just stopped being cute and started being annoying. I ignored it for awhile, hoping it would go away. Hoping that the time of the month was the reason for me not wanting him around. But it got worse. And the more irritated I got with him, the more desperately he tried to please me. And that annoyed me far more than he could imagine. I would have respected him if he’d got sick of me flinching whenever he touched me and rolling my eyes when he said something dumb.
If he’d just said something like “Hey, Cons, any reason you’re channelling the Anti-Christ when we go out?” or even “Shut the hell up you rancid bitch!” that would have been something to work with. Then again, the first sounds like something Averman would say and the second would be more Fulton or Portman’s style. Not Guy’s at all. His way was to keep… clinging to me. Like he couldn’t bear the idea of not being a part of Connie-and-Guy. Like it would kill him to just be plain Guy.
I’m not that special. Sure first crush, first love, but I’m not an angel. I didn’t deserve to be treated like it was my God-given right to trample all over his feelings like that. Why didn’t he yell at me? See, I’m still pissed about it now.
But he didn’t. He just kept trying. Holding my hand tight. Wrapping both arms around me, when he before only one would be slung around my waist. Touching my whenever I was close enough during practice—or even games. Orion even benched him for a week until he could get his mind back on the game.
I was being suffocated and everyone could see it except Guy.
So I finally broke up with him yesterday. God it was horrible. He still didn’t yell. He just kind of… crumpled. I have never felt so bad in my entire life. I broke his heart.
I felt like the supreme ice queen. And at the same time, I felt so good you wouldn’t believe. It was like I finally got my head above water and I could breathe freely again. Guy had been this dead weight and I finally got free. Every time I look at him I feel awful, because he’s still drowning and I’m ok now. It kinda makes me smile at the same time though because I feel so damned good about being Connie Moreau again. Not Connie-and-Guy, but Connie.
And he’s still not yelling at me. He’s not said anything horrible about me, and I deserve that. My speech, it was horrible. I was trying to be as nice as possible, but there’s no nice way to say “Hey, you know you love me? Well, it ain’t reciprocated any more… see ya around.”
He only said one thing the whole time. “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me.”
God, that cut me to the core. I’m sure that Guy fully expected us to get married when we graduated, then I could punch out a couple of kids and we’d then bore the pants off the rest of the team showing snapshots and saying “Guy Jr said his first word today” and stuff like that. Yuck. That’s not for me.
It’s not like I have any plans or anything, it’s more like I want life to happen to me, and I don’t want everyone else’s plans getting in my way. I want to be Connie Moreau, just Connie on her own. I want do to things for me. I want to make selfish decisions, that aren’t really selfish because I’ve got no-one tied to me.
And now I can.
I’m Connie Moreau.
On her own.
The cold heart breaker.